As a woman, I know what it is like to be labeled as emotionally unavailable. As a therapist, I work with women and see their strongest and most wounded parts.

Often, what is judged as an external flaw is a coping style that was developed for survival. There is not one comprehensive definition of an emotionally unavailable woman.

•       She is complex and is not easily summed up with a top ten list of signs to watch for.

•       She is misunderstood and judged harshly, and

•       She is frequently her own worst critic. 

The four subtypes of emotionally unavailable women are:

•        the dude,

•        the ice queen,

•        the bitch, and

•        the saint.

Yeah, I know — these labels are cringeworthy! These mischaracterizations are part of the problem and impact both cisgender and transgender women.

She’s such a dude
Her superpower is being tuned into pleasure. Her secret wish is to be cherished.

“She’s such a dude” is a narrative often used to describe a woman who defies the traditional female stereotype of wanting romantic love.

She is often described as:     

• selfish,

•  self-centered, and a

•   commitment-phobe

She is either single or a serial dater. Her primary concern is her own pleasure.

She views dating or hooking up as a form of entertainment. Hence the label of being a “dude.”

Her male counterpart would be called a player, often with admiration or envy.

This type of woman may simply be following her bliss and is being put in a box because she does not conform to the pre-established norm.

The emotionally unavailable woman in this category has learned to create emotional distance from potential partners. If you dated her, you might be puzzled about why she ended things.

She’s an ice queen
Her superpower is being calm in a crisis.
Her secret wish is to be soothed by another without negative consequences.

The ice queen persona of an emotionally unavailable woman is seemingly void of all feelings. She does not outwardly show anger, hurt, excitement, or joy.

This leads one to believe that she doesn’t care about anyone or anything.

•       She is often child-free and pet-free.

•      She might have a cat since they are more aloof and     independent, just like her.

•       She keeps her circle small and is known to be a private person.

•      If she is in a relationship, she is annoyed and turned off by a clingy or needy partner.

The ice queen has a secret; she does indeed have feelings. She has learned that showing her feelings is a sign of weakness — she does not tolerate weakness from herself or anyone around her.

She’s a total bitch
Her superpower is self-reliance.
Her secret wish is to hear the words, “Babe, don’t worry — I’ve got you,” and actually believe it.

The woman who is described as a bitch is perhaps the most “misunderstood,” emotionally unavailable woman.

•        She is driven, focused, and career-oriented.

•        She is described as a workaholic who is overly confident and competitive.

•        She doesn’t have time for you. In fact, she barely has time for herself. When she fits you into her schedule, you better make it worth her time. There are no second chances.

•        She is fiercely independent and knows the bitter taste of disappointment.

If you are her partner, perfection is expected and, of course, can never be achieved. It has not been emotionally safe to trust, so she often hurts others before they can hurt her.

She’s a saint
Her superpower is perseverance.
Her secret desire is to have just one day when no one needs anything from her.

This last embodiment of an emotionally unavailable woman is the saint, the perfect woman.

•        She wears many hats and seems to thrive in all roles.

•        She is a mom, wife, daughter, executive, and volunteer who always says yes.

•        She appears to have it all: perfect family, perfect home, perfect job, perfect body, perfect relationship, perfect, perfect, perfect.

Yet she has crumbled internally from all of the pressure and has become numb.

She is so good at faking it that her partner is unaware of her emotional disappearance. She feels like a failure and an imposter.

This is the most self-destructive type of emotionally unavailable woman.

Women become emotionally unavailable as an act of self-preservation

When a woman consciously or perhaps unconsciously chooses to become emotionally unavailable, it is an act of self-preservation.

She is protecting herself from the many threats that face women, such as:

•        societal aggression,

•        sexism,

•        patriarchal systems,

•        family dynamics,

•        heartache,

•        predators, and

•        sometimes, even herself.

If she is a member of the BIPOC or LGBTQIA+ communities, she has innumerable layers of oppression to overcome.

All of these factors, coupled with the prevalence of mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, addiction, and trauma, create the perfect storm for emotional disconnection to occur.

Achieve radical self-love and self-acceptance

If you recognize yourself in this blog, you are not alone. The truth is, we all become emotionally unavailable at certain times in our lives. Chances are, you can relate to certain aspects of each of the four types.

We are all simultaneously both flawed and fabulous! Find your path back to yourself and achieve radical self-love and self-acceptance. Step into your heart space and reclaim your superpower of emotional connection.

You can make your own secret wish come true.

Start by asking yourself:

•        to describe the perfect day where you cherish yourself.

•        to describe the perfect date with someone you feel is special

•        what you desire in a shared sensual or sexual experience

•        what you want as the priority right now

•        to consider if you'd like some expert help in lovingly accepting yourself and what you desire

  If you are wondering where to get started on your path to self-love & acceptance, We invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation with one of us.

  We are here to help you!
  

  Christine & Jodi